Surrey are pants and I am too angry to write about them

Even with the gloriously insane Andre Nel I cannot warm to Surrey this year.

Instead I have been spending my time over at sports pundit.

They have all sorts of cricket goodness over there, not like Surrey, they are rubbish.

Sports Pundit is on top form and has cricket news, sort of like Ramps form last year.

They look back with a cricket review, which is a good way of thinking about Surrey, back when they were good.

And it has fantasy cricket, which is one way your team can win this year.

Get over there Surrey fans.

Happy merryness

Enjoy the Chris Adam's stocking stuffer that Surrey got for you.

Mark Butcher says “I’m not dead”

If he didn't say it, we wouldn't have believed it.

This surprised a lot of us, as we had been to the funeral and said mostly nice things about him.

Now we take them all back as he climbs from the grave all muddied and wormy.

Apparently his form was good before his death, and no one disputes it, it’s just that it was that long ago, no one is sure they remember it either.

Not only is Butcher alive, but he plans on living for a quite a time, good for him.

Surrey’s batting can remain secure, if he lives throughout the whole season.

Here at the brown caps we like Butcher, he has guts.

And not too much skill that you hate him for it.

My first experience with him was watching him face then tearaway quick bowler Brad Williams in Victoria when he captained England A.

He took a few balls on the body that day, but Williams couldn’t break him.

So I am glad he is alive, but he isn’t captaining is he, because that would take from my joy.

What if he is dead though, and this Mark Butcher speaking is a ghost.

The ghost of Mark Butcher, while a good name for a film, would not have the same forward defence of before.

And thusly not as good.

Surrey has the moves

The Oval has had a lot of action in the offseason so far.

Do you agree, or not.

Take the poll.

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Surrey lick Modi’s balls and pick up the slapper

I said Surrey needed to sign a bowler capable of taking 60 wickets.

They have decided on their old flame Harbhajan Singh.

I have never been that big a fan of Bhaji outside of the subbie, but he has 57 wickets @ 21 for Surrey, so they should be pretty confident.

You may be saying, how awesome is this, I can’t wait to go down to the oval and watch two world class off spinners plying their trade.

Alas, two world class offspinners is one too many for Surrey.

Saqlain Mushtaq has been assed.

Why, because he is a scum of the earth ICL player.

According to the BCCi and CA ICL players are the plague of International cricket and should be stamped on repeatedly until death.

And Surrey want to host IPL matches.

Simple.

Saqlain was playing as an English player, which meant you could have kept him, and had Bhaji.

That is an attack Surrey could have ridden to Division 1.

Bhaji and Pedro Collins are now the two front line bowlers, and that looks a little light on.

My first impressions of Surrey have been when they give something to you, they also take something away.

But did they really have to take away my favourite offie and ensure that they couldn't sign Mendis in one foul swoop.

Remember him?

Alex Tudor is back.

Surrey is saved.

They don’t need an international bowler.

They have Tudor, who played his first game for Surrey in 74’.

And yet is only 31.

I saw Tudor play a few of his on loan games this year, and he wasn’t particularly good.

These days he looks more like a batsmen than a bowler, most of the time.

He is still quick, and in certain spells he looked dangerous, but I just can’t see him ever being a big time wicket taker.

He is not the bowler to deliver them back to division one.

Once upon a time he might have been, but now he is a trundler with a good record, that he hasn’t lived up to for quite some time.

Being that he isn’t a line and length bowler for one day cricket, what will Surrey use him as?

I understand why Surrey resigned him, how many ex English bowlers with real International experience are going cheap these days.

But, will he help rebuild the Surrey team, or is he a stop gap measure.

Ramps did not head butt a muppet

Ramps has been given the first two county games off next year for his excellent work in scoring one hundred hundreds.

There had to be some reward for it.

After all, it’s not like being a successful test player was his reward.

In truth, mostly, he was given this two match holiday for his stoush with Murray Goodwin.

Actually, what he said to Goodwin, which doesn’t look like it was nice, wasn’t what got him the suspension, but for what he said to the umpire.

Who was trying to douse the flames on the red hot passion of Ramps that day.

You can’t dampen Ramps though, he is impervious to water, or that white sticky stuff that they use for chemical fires.

Sorry ladies, did I lose you in there, we were talking about Ramps’ suspension.

Three men who were never as talented as Ramps made the decision after considering his good nature, how the kiddies love him and if a penny could infact bounce off his ass.

Ladies, back here.

The truth is, at Ramps’ age a holiday is as good as an orgy, and this is a holiday.

Surrey play 16 first class games a year, that is if Divison 2 is still first class, after all it’s not university standard, and you know what they say, 14 is better than 16.

Missing 2 games is hardly going to hurt him now is it, plus it will let him get used to that titanium hip he is getting put in.

More Brown at Surrey

Surrey have been all about the negativity.

Getting rid of Brown, Nicholson and a pair of Butchers (mostly).

Now they have a new Brown, this one is younger, and to be honest, probably not as good.

And he has left the division one Hampshire so he can play limited overs cricket for Surrey.

Brown is a step in the right direction, I saw him make 90 odd against Notts last week, but Surrey already has a pretty good batting line up.

Brown isn’t a match winner though.

Do you know what wins matches?

That’s right sports fans, bowlers win matches.

So while Surrey is making encouraging moaning sounds, we are still yet to hear any real orgasmic screams.

All the rumours involve coaches and batsmen, but when are we going to hear some news about Bowlers Surrey.

Where are the Simon Jones rumours?

The Eyelids Pattinson Rumours?

The Ajantha Mendis Rumours?

Give me something surrey.

Please, give me sumthin.

little butcher smacks big tit colville

Never believe anything you read on blogs.

But still spread it likes its the aliens own truth i say.

The exquisitly named reverse swing maniefesto has a great whisper from surrey about mark butcher and charles colville getting into an argument over surrey.

Apparently Ramps and old man Butcher, formally of Surrey, got in there and stopped them as the gloves were coming off.

I don't know why, surely a few to the ribs by Butcher would have helped Colvilles overall attitude in life.

A tough professional cricketer against a prissy tv personality, wouldn't have lasted a round.

Although may not have helped Butcher's knee which is so bad, Surrey can use it as an excuse to asshole him from the captaincy.

Butcher gets porked

Apparently, although it is still not official, Alan Butcher was finally forced to drink from the poisoned chalice, the one he was given when Steve Rixon left, and it killed him, like it was designed to do.

What exactly a coach is supposed to do with a team that has a bunch of cricketers beyond their use by date on lifetime contracts no one knows.

Surrey need blood.

Shoaib was a disaster.

The members were surrounding the club with machetes, well the ones who are still awake.

Butcher was the obvious fall guy.

If Surrey were willing to get rid of Ali Brown, the man who said no no no to the IPL, after he played better this year than last year, Butcher was never going to make it.

Mark Butcher will soon have a lot more time to sing his tunes as well, he will lose his captaincy if nothing else.

Two support coaches have also been assed, because as well all know, the bowling coach and the 2nds coach were to blame.

Surrey could even be Butcherless, which in a place needing blood is a bit humorous.

The talk on the street is that Stephen Fleming is being wooed as captain, and Mickey Arthur as coach.

These are both good things, I would even be willing to make Flaming captain coach, there are few better leaders in world cricket, and Warney is playing poker.

What ever Surrey are going to do, you bet it will be loud.

Fleming as Captain Coach and Ajantha Mendis as the import would be perfect.

If the Kolpak rules change, they may not be able to fit both.

But you get the feeling they are looking for something BIG, and Mendis and Fleming is BIG.

They want something that changes the cricket club, and Kolpaks aint gonna do it for them.

Still it’s a big call to get rid of Butcher, but maybe there is 5 or 6 players who should have gotten the ass well before him.

However getting rid of a Butcher at Surrey is always going to make a bigger redder splash than dumping a normal player.

Now they have proven they are trying to do something, will they actually do anything?

special end of season poll for surrey fans

Surrey's year is officially over.

No more dreary performances.

No more Matthew Nicholson illnesses.

No more Shoaib.

No more Ramps magic.

So now what do Surrey do?

Before they worry about restructuring their team, they need to know who is going to be head honcho.

But what do you think, take the poll, have your say.

Etc.

The power of the people.

Liam Hodgson, Surrey’s new bradman

Obviously there are several factual errors in that title.

His name is Lee John Hodgson, but he reminds me of a Liam.

And secondly Surrey never had an old Bradman.

But, the boy out batted all of the better known men in his first game, so this is worth a mention.

He came in at number 7, to bat with a very un interested looking Afzaal, and he carried Surrey over 200, and then some.

He had some luck, early on got a nick off former test great Eyelids Pattinson that Swann seemed to not notice.

From time to time he would play and miss as well, but Notts has a fair attack, so just to stay out there while your ream mates are out is something.

But it was the way he made runs that was good.

Off the back foot he hit hard, pulls, hooks, and cuts, and off the front foot he put more than a few balls through cover for four.

He looked to have multiple scoring options.

And I likey.

Let’s not get too excited, but looking at this one game, you would have to say there was a lot to like.

Go Liam I say.

Should they stay or should they go

Surrey need a big big broom.

No one is sure whether Alan Butcher is even the man to wield it yet.

There is so much dead wood in their roster, and getting in Arjantha Mendis or Brett Lee isn’t going to help.

Once they have a functioning roster they can worry about a big name international.

So lets look at who stays or who goes.

Batting

Ramps – He bats ok, but doesn’t look much chop as a captain, so that job may have to go to someone else. Stay.

Butcher – Still makes the runs, deserves loyalty from Surrey, but should not expect to be captain next year. Stay.

Afzaal – All things considered had a good year, but in a good side should be your 6th best batsman. Needs to make centuries not 50s. Stay.

Newman – Averaged 42, and is a good opening batsman. Like Afzaal needs to convert way more often. Stay.

Batty – A wicket keeper that makes 2 tons a year is pretty handy. You wouldn’t get rid of him. Stay.

Spreigel – A young player with a lot of promise, worth keeping as a young allrounder, but needs to make big scores next year or find a new county. Stay.

Benning – 35 first class games and an average of 32. Not top 5 material, but with Spreigel and Jordan playing you could almost play him at 6, but it’s a risk, Give him one more season. Stay.

Walters – 5 games no scores of any note. Is 25, so maybe too early to call, but from what I have seen is never going to be a top order player, and Surrey don’t need to keep more middle order players who can average 30 around. Go.

Jordan – Is a foetus, must keep him. But lets not indulge him too much. Stay.

Murtagh – Looked out of his depth against Kent, but he does look like a fighter, and seems the most likely to open with Newman. If Surrey bring in a gun opener, he may be shown the door, I’d keep him around, but he wouldn’t be first team. Stay.

Bowling

Saqlain – Old grey mare she aint what she used to be. 38 wickets at 33, they need a spinner who averages less than 30, he either needs to step up, or… Stay, just.

Dernbach – Is still young enough to come good, and is probably the most promising bowler at Surrey, and the second best performer this year. Stay.

Tudor – Can’t see how any team could get back into division one with Tudor in their attack. His record this year isn’t bad, but he just rally isn’t that good. Go.

Collins – His record may not show it, but I think Collins was unlucky this year. I think he should be back next year, he tested the better opposition batsman. I think he can help Surrey out. Stay.

Ormond – He was a good bowler back in the day, but I think his best is behind him. Sorry Jimmy, but I can’t see him helping Surrey back to division one. Go.

Schofield – Go.

Coach

Butcher – Go or stay, flip a coin. He can only coach the team that is there, the person should go is the academy coach, and the head recruiter. But Butcher will probably go.

Guys who are already gone.

Ahktar- like he was ever here.

Nicholson – has a great batting record for a bowler.

Brown – statistically must be unlucky to miss out.

What Surrey need.

A stock bowling seamer, someone who can lock up an end for 10 overs and only cough up 16 runs. Tim Murtagh would be ideal, anyway to get him back with his brother.

A dead set wicket taker, any kind of bowler is great, but they need someone who can take 60+ wickets in a year. Buy him, or steal him, but you need a person who takes wickets like you and i yawn.

A captain. Someone who can captain his ass off, but more importantly someone who can bring on the guys like Roy, Spreigel, Jordan, and Benning. They need a Warne/Fleming type.

Conclusion.

The batting works, but they need the ability to make 20 wickets a game, and someone who can rally the troops.

Also they need a mascot that is better than a dog.

And a press box you can see the cricket from.

Watching ramps

I went all the way down to Canterbury last week, and it rained a lot.

But for one day, the Saturday, it didn’t rain and one man had a little dance.

This is what I saw.

Thanks to the weather the most amount of Ramps watching I did early was him in the members enclosure.

While most of the players were behind the curtain, ramps came out and chatted with people.

Later on he batted, and that was good too.

He was batting with a young kid who was eager to please. Every ball he was trying to get some bat on it.

When ramps was on strike the difference was obvious.

He let the ball come to him, if it wasn’t a ball he wanted to hit he left it, and the bad balls were played for runs.

There is a sense of class about him at all times, and watching him you seen an international batsman, no a county pro.

Not that he wasn’t troubled young speedster Robbie Joseph was all over him, and should have had him at slip.

When a slower bowler came on, he decided to just pop one back over his head to remind him who was boss.

Then he clicked into another gear, his mojo was magnificent.

Sixes over cover, clips off the pads, driving like Schumacher, the dude had it all going on.

Suddenly the bowling attack looked inadequate at one end, and like dynamite at the other.

Ramps was in complete control, he didn’t so much hit boundaries, he dismissed the ball from his sight with a royal swat.

The press box was even excited, and from what I have seen, this is not easy to do.

On 99 he almost did himself a mischief, he was hit on the pads and Robbie Joseph went up with all the hopes and dreams of a young nation struggling for independence. Their dreams were dashed.

Ramps got his hundred with a stylish inside edge onto his pad, that left the crowd hanging for the umpire to not signal a leg bye.

This was the 50th hundred for Surrey by the dancer, and he did it in style.

The runs were so good it made sitting in the rain for a day and a half worth it.

However it did remind me again of what a waste of talent ramps is.

There is no reason he couldn’t make runs at test cricket, but in 52 tests he was a non event.

Why?

What happened Ramps, no one got more chances than you?

Do you not like cameras?

Because an innings like that shouldn’t be played in front of 200 people who were waiting for Rob Key to bat.

Surrey's status update

I have now seen Surrey play 3 times.

Today will be my 4th time.

While this may be a premature evaluation of them, it is not completely blind.

With the bat they do show some things.

Ramps is a golden god in county cricket.

Butcher is tough as nails.

Batty has always been a handy keeper batsman.

Ofcourse they are all over 30, but they are a good spine.

Bowling is a little bare.

Dernbach can actually bowl, he is young but in a few years time he could be something, would help if he had real class bowlers around him.

Saqlain is a genius off spinner.

Those are the positives.

The negatives are too many to name, but a bowling attack that makes 20 wickets look like Everest and a batting line up that makes Ramps look like some mutant version of Elvis and Jesus.

The thing that I have really noticed though is how rubbish they look in the field.

Watching surrey field is like watching bambi get anally violated by Hitler while bambi’s mother, who has been severely beaten, is tied up and forced to watch with matchsticks in her eyes while stalin whips her and masturbates onto kittens before he boils them alive.

That might sound like an exaggeration, unless you have seen Surrey field, then it might sound like an understatement.

The stink of failure is all over them.

Joe Denly and Robert Key hit them around like they weren’t there.

Surrey weren’t fielding with slumped shoulders, they were practically inverted shoulders.

They look like a team of depressed old men collecting benefits, and guess what, they are.

Their key players are all on the wrong side of 30, and they also have a bunch of journey men who are over 30 as well.

Old players, with bad body language, and limited ability, not really the way of the future is it.

Whether it’s Alan Butcher or someone else next year, big things need to continue to happen to this team, because bambi is getting a sore ass.